I stand here in my kitchen today slowly but surely getting Thanksgiving food prepared. The turkey is in the oven smothered and stuffed with butter and herbs, and the rolls are sitting out rising, awaiting their turn to be baked.
Next comes the pie, I can’t wait for that. Pumpkin pie has always been my favorite.
And while I’m happy right now and thankful for my family, I will say that this holiday, like most others, has already taken its mental toll. My kids father decided that last night was the night to pick a huge fight, which again has him questioning whether he should leave or not. I told him to just go. I’m tired of the fighting and the disrespect towards me and my person.
He did not leave however. And another bout of arguing happened this morning. I won’t get into the details, but I just want to let you know, that if you’re also struggling with family or a spouse during the holidays, you can still enjoy the day. Set your attention on the good parts of the day. Like the smell of the yummy food, the smiles of the kids faces and the sound of their laughter.
It’s difficult to love the holidays as I used to, but someday I hope that I will find that joy again in full force. Not just for my kids sake, but for mine as well. We all deserve to feel the warmth and love that the holidays are meant to bring. Let’s make a point to find it, and let it in, regardless of the assholes that try to ruin it.
Happy Thanksgiving my friends!
And if you don’t celebrate, I hope you still have a happy Thursday!
I am beyond thankful for all of you today, and for all of your support, the community I’ve found here and the freedom it’s given me to find myself. Thank you.
I know it’ll sound silly, but I wanted to have some fun and try out the whole TikTok making videos thing.
I was having fun, just doing random videos of organization before and afters, and my chickens, things like that.
I decided that maybe I’d try telling a story in one.
For a bit of context here, I’ve never liked my appearance. It’s been something that has really bothered me my whole life. And while I could go into detail and point out everything I dislike seeing on my body, I’ll just be vague.
I told my story, and I felt confident. But when I rewatched this recording of myself, I felt disgusted. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. To never open my mouth again in front of anyone.
“How the hell, could I have lived my whole life not knowing what I looked like to the rest of the world, how can I be this ugly? My brain has lied to me, the people around me have lied to me saying I was pretty.” It was a rabbit hole I didn’t expect to fall in and needless to say I had a bit of a breakdown and I cried.
I cried because the face in the mirror (which I’ve always hated) was prettier than the face in the recording. 10 times better looking than the face that everyone else in the world would see when speaking to me. I felt betrayed by my own body.
Yet when I looked in the mirror, there I was. The me that I’ve always seen. The me that I was accustomed to. Still not perfect, but I actually Liked this face I was seeing now.
I had a spiraling time thinking about this though. Why do I look ok in my mirror, shitty in pictures, and down right gross in video? Why were they all different? And what the f**k do I actually look like??
So I started my research. And this is what I’ve realized. The face in the mirror… it isn’t me. It is a reversed image of my face, and I like it because that is what my brain sees as familiar.
Pictures, are less so because I’m not as used to that image, that view, that angle of myself. And all that really depends on lighting, angle, distance, and whether the camera is in selfie mode (reversed) or not.
Now on to the video…. I have really never seen myself speak in a recording. So my brain sees that “person” as a stranger. That isn’t “me” because it’s something entirely new and unknown to my brain. And that voice I hear back?… not the same voice that I hear when I speak because you can’t hear the deep vibrations from your body in a recording, so that voice is annoying and not right in my mind.
Basically what I did was unravel the very fabric of my mind’s interpretation of what I am. I’ve taken what my brain knew as fact, and I’ve shredded it and told it that it’s beliefs are wrong.
Now I want to just give up and quit because I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my face and how horrible it looks to me…. But maybe all I need to do is continue to see myself that way, so that my brain can get used to what it sees, to see a new “normal”. Hopefully then the images I see won’t make me cry, but make me smile when they all look the same.
If anyone is interested in what I’m talking about on a scientific level, it is called the mere-exposure effect.
Anyway, I hope y’all have a wonderful day! Don’t let my pity party post drag ya down! Be happy and smile, because you are beautiful inside and out.
The following story is a real nightmare I had as a child. I still remember it vividly, and it will be forever engrained in my memory. Enjoy!
My mom and I were driving up to a beautiful, huge house, more of mansion in fact. We were supposed to be getting a walk through of the home, as it was listed for sale.
This stunning estate stood out, it’s white exterior and wrap around porch and balcony, made even more appealing by the surrounding snow and bright sun.
Mom and I got out of the car and we were greeted by a woman who opened the door for us. She never spoke to us though.
Mom talked while we followed the woman around to different rooms, still she never spoke, or even stopped to give us time to look at the rooms in the house. The woman brought us up to the third floor, seeing a balcony, we stepped out to gaze at the setting sun on the horizon. It’s pink, red and orange hues danced on the snow below us. Leaning on the railing, we felt relaxed, this was an amazing view, and a great building. What a home it could become.
We had turned around to see that the woman was gone. We walked inside to search the room for her, but she wasn’t with us. Mom said she would go find her, so I waited. I meandered around the room, but mom had been gone for quite some time. It was about to get dark at any minute, and she still hadn’t returned. I called for her with no response. It was almost too dark to see now, I wanted to leave. I’ve never been keen on being alone in the dark. I walk toward the bedroom door and I saw the woman walking into another room down the short hall. I ran towards her asking where my mom was, and why she wasn’t with her.
She didn’t speak, or even look at me, she just kept walking. She turned a corner through an adjoining room and vanished.
It was then that I realized this woman was not real. She must have been a ghost. A spirit in the house. I got scared, trying my best to quickly leave but I couldn’t find the stairs. The house was incredibly dark, and only a few lights worked. They were dim at best. There was one light nearby in a small nook, I ran to it and stood underneath. Somehow I felt safe in the light. But I knew I couldn’t stay. I needed to find mom, and I needed to find the stairs.
I retraced the paths we walked in my head. If I got lost, maybe mom did too, I had to find her, she must have be scared like me, but she had no idea the woman wasn’t real.
I mustered up the courage to leave the safety of the light.
I walked very slowly and looked around, I recognized the doors to my right, so the stairs should be to the left. They were! I walked a bit faster to get to the stairs but froze in place. There on the floor was a body. Long black hair flowed on the floor. This woman’s body lain up against the stairs railing on the hardwood. Almost as if she had fallen asleep there. I stood in shock for a while wondering if she would move. Staring at the the body before me, I could just make out the bony skeleton beneath the white nightgown. She’s been long dead. But how did she get there?
I tiptoed to the stairs. My feet as far from her as I could manage. I skirted around her head, avoiding her hair. I never took my eyes off her, I walked with my back against the wall as I descended the stairs, looking up at her, her arm reaching limply through the railing, overhanging the step I was on. Her face sunken in like a mummy. Though I was terrified, I couldn’t help but think, this poor woman was still pretty, and I felt sorrow.
I made it down to the second floor and I quickly but aimlessly tried to find mom without making too much noise. I needed to find her, and the next set of stairs to get to the ground floor, then we’re free. While frantically searching, I walked into a room. It was there that I saw the same body from before… only this time her body was in a chair and wrapped in an old sheet, as if she’d been there for years.
I backed into the adjoining room behind me, staring at the woman’s body with confusion. I saw movement from my peripheral. I turned to see it was my dad! I started exclaiming how happy I was to see him and babbling about everything that happened but he just walked past me and sat down on a sofa. I thought to myself, this didn’t make sense, he didn’t come with us to this house, how did he get here? He said I should sit down with him. I said no, we needed to find mom and get out. I tried explaining again what I saw, but the look on his face told me he already knew. His expression was sad, defeated almost. I slowly walked toward him and sat down, not understanding what was happening.
“Dad….I’m scared. We can leave, we are so close, we don’t have to stay!…”
“I know you’re afraid, I am too. But we can’t leave, there is no way out, we are stuck here…”
I could hear the woman from the other room shuffle and stand up. I started to cry, I knew this was the end. Dad looked at me for the first time since he’d been there and said, “I’m so sorry…” tears welled up in his eyes, his voice shaky.
The woman was standing behind me, too afraid to look, I just stared at my dad, sobbing. Long dead fingers reached around, cold, clammy skin touching the side of my face…
I’ve been really sick here lately so I completely missed my Halloween post and I’m sad about it!
If you’d like me to still post that one, let me know am I will!
BUT, I wanted to share another word that made me think. Gave me a little inspiration of thought, so here it is. The word eutony. Google tells me it is an uncommon noun, and it describes the pleasantness of a word’s sound.
While I have many words that I don’t like the sound of, I’ve been scrambling in my mind to find a word that I do enjoy. I haven’t found the word yet, but I know it’s in there somewhere, haha!
Anyway, go ahead let me know what you think, do you have a word that you like the sound of when it’s spoke?
I don’t know about you but I love chicken parm, however, I have to make a small tweak to the recipe because Parmesan doesn’t like me. So in my versions I only use mozzarella. (Still tastes great)
Ingredients:
Chicken (breast or tenders)
2 eggs
Marinara sauce
Mozzarella cheese
Parmesan cheese
Breadcrumbs
Items needed:
Foil lined baking sheet/dish
1 bowl for beaten eggs
1 bowl for bread crumbs
So you’ll start off by pre-heating the oven to 400°. While that’s heating up you’ll get yourself a pan or baking sheet, line it with foil (this makes clean up so much easier).
Get your eggs in a bowl and whisk them up, put your breadcrumbs in a separate bowl.
Grab your chicken. If you are doing breasts, you’ll want to slice them in half horizontally, so you’ll end up having what looks like 4 chicken breast instead of two, and do your best to pound them down so they are nice and flat, you want them to cook evenly as possible. (Don’t worry about this step if you’re doing small tenders like I used for the sandwiches.)
Dip your chicken first in the eggs and then in the breadcrumbs, lay them on the pan. Cover them in marinara sauce and bake for 20 minutes. (Longer if they aren’t cooked through of course!)
(Now, if you’re wanting a more crispy chicken, you can bake them first without the sauce for about 15minutes, flip them over, pour the sauce on, bake another 5-6 minutes.)
Pull the pan out, too with cheese and broil for about 5 minutes or until the cheese has browned up a bit on top. Let cool a few minutes and serve!
Eat as is or as a sandwich! I hope you enjoy this as much as I did! Happy eating 🍽️
It’s late, and it grows later as I bounce my 1 year old to sleep in her bouncer. My arm draped over the arm of the couch to gently push her chair up and down.
We have all been very sick, a nasty cold. Everyone is tired, but feels too shitty to sleep. But as she finally closes her eyes, a sigh of relief escapes my mouth. I’ll bounce her a few more minutes, let her sit still for a bit and then I’ll pack her back to her crib, I thought to myself.
Several minutes went by, still asleep, even through all the commotion of my 4 year old.
The noise settles, now is the time to pick her up. I unbuckle her from the seat, she stirs a little, but closes her eyes quickly.
As I go to lay her down, her father decides, at that moment, to be loud. “Voicing” his irritation with me. I look down in the darkness of the room and see my daughters sweet face, eyes wide open.
That, is the beginning of shit hitting the fan.
4 hours pass, it is now almost 2am and neither child will lay down. My son has been fighting bedtimes recently as well, so the mention of “it’s bedtime!” makes it incredibly difficult to even get him in his room.
I have every light turned off now. I change my daughters diaper one last time. I finish buttoning her onesie, she’s falling asleep again (finally) and then…. A coughing fit ensues….
Now this moment right here is the nutshell. I am coughing uncontrollably (while trying to control it) my daughter starts laughing, then my son starts laughing because of her laugh. Well soon her laughs turn to a mix of laughter and a scared cry, my son still laughing, I’m still coughing, it’s painful, but I’m also laughing at the chaos and cuteness of their laughs. I don’t know if it’s just me but if I cough too much like that and it makes me sneeze.
So it is a whirlwind of delirious, sleep deprived, sick, laughing, crying, coughing and sneezing. I’m simultaneously upset and in awe of how adorable my kids are. I wish I could stay up with them and snuggle all the time but I also have the book “go the f*ck to sleep” running through my head.
In the end, every one got to sleep. My son reluctantly crawled in his bed. And although he was upset that I was standing (rocking the baby) and not sitting, he did drift off to sleep. And so did my baby girl 15 minutes later at 2:45am. Their father somehow snoring through it all. I blame the alcohol, I could have literally screamed for help and he’d have kept sleeping.
I continued to have coughing fits for the next 15 minutes and 3 cough drops later, I was finally able to lay my head down and drift to sleep. Being woken up at 6 and again for the day at 8.
I haven’t slept a full night through in well over a year. And while I’d love to sleep solidly for more than 3 hours at a time, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Motherhood changes everything, for the better, I say. I am a better person because of them. I would never want the old me back.
And some of them still will be! If I feel the need to talk about a specific artist or genre or band.
However, I want most of these to be genuine little short posts. I started this segment so that I could share music with you. Maybe it will broaden your horizons, (or narrow them) and maybe you might find a new favorite. Regardless, I want to use Mondays as a nice calm day to share a song or two that I like. To give a little piece of my energy that day, to you.
So let’s take the crazy Monday madness, and dumb it down a bit with the sharing of music. Please feel free to list songs of your own in the comments!!
I’ve had several songs recently that are in repeat, and one in particular has been playing and replaying in my mind.
This movie was one that I would absolutely watch again because I guarantee I missed some stuff.
Starring Harry Styles, Florence Pugh, Olivia Wilde and Chris Pine, Don’t Worry Darling is a fantastic drama/thriller. (Rated R)
Absolutely not for kids!!!!
The movie is based in the 1950’s, centered around a young couple (Alice & Jack) living in a small suburban cul-de-sac. All of the husbands work for a company on a very secretive Victory Project that they are not allowed to talk about.
While the husbands are at work, the wives go about their days cleaning, cooking, learning ballet, and gossiping. When the husbands return home, they host parties and drink with their fellow neighborhood couples.
Their small cul-de-sac is seemingly out in the middle of a barren desert, in which they are not allowed to leave. All of them living in seclusion to work on this top secret project for Frank. The man behind it all.
Things start to take some wild turns when Alice begins to ask questions, and she realizes something is wrong. Nightmares and hallucinations set in… are they real? Or is she going crazy like her neighbor Margaret?
So if you’re looking for an interesting little thriller movie for Halloween, this is a big recommendation of mine! Enjoy.
Ink & Embers 