Expression through poetry
I’ve been absent
Gone like the morning dew after sunrise
I seemingly vanished into thin air.
If you’ve wondered where I went
I haven’t gone far, it’s no surprise
My energy stretched too thin to share.
I’ve been trapped in chaos while trying to find peace
Taxed with writers block and overwhelming fatigue.
So much more goes on within my head without the proper words to shed.
I think for now I’ll rest instead
Attempt a good nights sleep, and go to bed.
~A
So, if you’ve been a follower for a while, you know that my son has moderate autism. he was diagnosed at 3 years old and he is now almost 5! (I can’t believe I just said that! Haha) and for the most part, he is still non-verbal. He mimics shows that he likes, and tells me no, or gives me words of the food he wants, but that is about it for now. (He’s talking more and more all the time though and I’m so proud!)
Now my kids are both pretty unsure of dogs and that’s because they haven’t been around them much. I’ve wanted one since, well, forever but for different reasons I was never “allowed” to, even as an adult, but that’s a different story.While he hasn’t been around many, I know my son loves dogs, the first book he read was That’s Not My Puppy, he loves watching the show Dug Days, Bluey and Puppy Dog Pals.
He also gets the biggest smile on his face when a dog is near, he just gets a bit overwhelmed and nervous when they come up to him. (He does this with all animals but more so with dogs)
Well, a couple days ago, we got a puppy. Some people in town had an “oops” litter and gave us one, of my choosing, for free.
Please welcome Boone to the family!
He is a 6 week old border collie mix (with what? I have no idea!)
My son on the first day, after running and playing, looked at Boone and said “I really really love you” with the sweetest most happy and giggly little voice. I almost cried. (Again, because I almost cried when I was handed the puppy!)
Now, it’s only been two days, but Boone seems to have chosen his person, and it’s my son. He doesn’t want to leave my son’s room, and only wants to sleep next to his bed. I set him down anywhere else and he just bolts happily back down the hallway to his room.
I had the plan to train this new pup to be an aide for my son, to help him calm himself, to keep my son safe when we go places where he would run off.
A bond is already forming and I am so excited to see it grow!
Now, I have to get back to tending to my “zoo” but I plan on chatting with you again soon!
~A
I thought it was love, ‘cause he knew my name
Said I was pretty, I guess I’m to blame.
He gave me attention that I always craved
Sixteen, naive
My innocence taken away.
Baited me in with lies and said we’d be ok.
That little girl, a trauma filled teen
Became a women trapped in this man’s greed
I though I’d be happy, I thought he could change
But he took what little joy I had away.
Expected to lie here, and say it’s ok
Wake up each morning with a smile on my face
Dying inside and so filled with rage
I feel paralyzed and frozen in place.
—-
The voice in my soul
Gets louder by the day
It’s thawing the ice frozen deep in my veins
You called me pretty
But it’s not the same
I know now that I’m not to blame for the mistakes you made.
How could you?
Doesn’t it hurt to keep playing this game?
The rules have been broken
Again and again
I’ll throw down my cards and I’ll walk away.
~A
In the dictionary of my brain
The space beneath the word relaxation, is blank
The meaning of this word is foreign to me
For I have never been able to understand the feeling.
When told to relax, I don’t know how
Apparently this concept should be easy and simple
But how can you feel a feeling that has never been felt?
Instead I have found a word that I can grasp.
It is tangible in my mind,
And it is a feeling that I can comprehend
Softness.
I can’t relax, but I can imagine softness in my body,
I can bring softness to my tense muscles if I just picture the feeling. Like a soft blanket, or cutting through warmed butter.
So maybe I can’t relax, but maybe I can learn the meaning of it, by allowing softness to my stressed body.
Sometimes life can be seen differently by changing a single word.
This is a bit different than my “normal” stuff, but I wanted to post a little life update for anyone who cares to read it.
Judging by my poetry I’m sure you’ve gathered that my relationship has been rocky at best. Well I’m going to share a bit about the recent goings on so you can get an understanding as to why I haven’t been around.
I recently started speaking to a therapist because of my horrible anxiety and because I was told (by my kids’ pediatrician) that I needed someone to talk to about my relationship.
In a nutshell, I’ve been living with an alcoholic, covert narcissist. I will spare you all of the details but in short, there has been a lot of manipulation, coercion, gaslighting and verbal abuse. Now none of this is new. I just was young (19) and naive about what a healthy relationship was. I made countless excuses for him and his behavior. Rose colored glasses and all that.
I convinced myself that he only treated me that way because he was drunk. I believed that if he loved me enough he would stop drinking and we would be happy.
Fast forward to now, I stopped making excuses, I quit hiding and covering up his actions and behaviors towards me, and I stopped allowing myself to be manipulated by him. I understand what is happening now and I won’t fall for anymore of his “traps” or guilt trips. Now, me doing this, and setting boundaries (and keeping firm on those boundaries) has caused a wild uptick in nasty behaviors and words.
I relayed some of what had been said a couple months ago, and my therapist had to report it. People showed up at my door handing me numbers to call for a domestic violence hotline.
After years of keeping secrets, my family is now aware of the situation as well. I’m in the process of figuring out my next steps, to get the kids and I to a happy and peaceful place in our lives.
Needless to say, I have been way beyond stressed and exhausted with all this and everything else going on. But there is a short version of why I haven’t been posting, commenting, or interacting with anyone on their blogs or my own.
I fully intend to get back into it here soon!
My next post is going to be a happy and then sad story about my backyard chickens!
Bye for now!
~A
I have Deja vu often
Seeing moments in the present that I have already “seen”.
It isn’t just coincidence either
These “relived” moments are exact replicas of time
Down to the slightest movement or sound.
When it hits me, I tend to pause
It feels almost out-of-body, yet incredibly vivid.
This phenomenon has been explained in different ways to me,
A coincidence
A sign that you’re where you are meant to be, or on the right path
Parallel universes overlapping
A memory from a past life
Whatever it may be, I find something oddly comforting about it
And something intriguing as well.
I am not looking for someone to save me.
No
I don’t need that.
What I am looking for,
Is someone to sit with me while I feel.
Someone to make me laugh
Someone to show me kindness and grace while I take time to heal… if I can figure out how.
I don’t need a savior, I need someone I can trust with my being, as I traverse the unknown.
I allowed myself to feel comfort
And I cried.
I cried in a way that I don’t understand
But I allowed myself to feel it.
The comforting warmth of my son sleeping next to me, cozy in his blankets, his favorite stuffed seal in his hands
I felt my body try to relax the tiniest bit,
A wave of overwhelm took me by surprise
And it made me realize once again,
That I don’t know what comfort truly feels like
My body doesn’t know how to relax
I’ve been deprived of safety and love
Living my whole life in fight or flight, a state of constant survival.
Teaching myself what comfort is, what safety is,
It feels like a lie.
This road is a long one,
But sometimes the most difficult path is the one worth taking.
It all starts with ten tiny toes
And ten tiny fingers
That turn into the hands that hold the world
And the feet that carry it into the future.
February 21st.
I woke up this morning another year older. I turned 28 this morning, officially, at 8:15am. Thankfully I was still asleep! My kids have been sick and my 1 1/2 year old hasn’t let me sleep for two nights in a row. She was crying every 10 minutes or so from 12:30am to 7am both nights.
I said my birthday wish was going to be that I got to sleep in increments of at least an hour, and my wish came true last night!
My son finally felt good enough to go to school today as well! I decided to actually do my makeup today, I normally walk around looking like I rolled out of a trash bin haha! But I put in some effort and I feel great! I put in earrings and even straightened my hair instead of just throwing it up into a messy claw clip.
I got myself a large caramel pumpkin latte (if you haven’t had one, you should!) and got sis a little hot chocolate. (Spoiler, she only took a few drinks of it)
On top of all the things today, the sun is out! It’s beautiful here today. There are intermittent rain showers and possible thunderstorms later tonight. Seeing rain glistening in the sunshine has always been one of my favorite things to see. And while I love thunderstorms, my body does not, so let’s keep fingers crossed that I don’t get a migraine for my birthday haha!
Of all the things that have been going on lately, I am choosing to smile, and laugh at the little things that are out of my control, and to enjoy my day and make it as happy as I can. I am practicing being kind to myself, and today I am extra embracing it, because I deserve to feel happy just like every one else. Today I’m choosing a little more me, and a little less stress of pleasing others.
Learning to accept my own kindness has been rough, but I am taking care of myself now so that I can be the best version of myself, and the best example to my kids, that I can be.
So even if today isn’t special to you, take time to accept your own kindness. You deserve it.
Have an amazing day my friend!!
~A
Ink & Embers