Searching

Sunshine through the leaves of an ash tree at sunset. Taken by Alexandra Griffiths

I searched for it like an addict,

In closets and dark corners,

Under beds and in cabinets,

When I should have been looking in comfort,

Like blankets and coffee,

The smell of lilacs and roses,

I should have searched for it in warmth,

Like fire or the sun,

The feel of a soft breeze, rather than squinting through a storm.

I should have been searching for it in laughter,

But I worked myself to the bone, searching for love in a dark hole, where no light would gather.

A letter to me

Thank you.

You’ve been through so much already in life, and while it is terrible to experience such pain and heartbreak, please believe me when I say, it wasn’t for nothing.

All the panic, all the tears, the fear and sleepless nights, they all paved the way to where you are now. Every inch that you were walked on has turned into miles of solid concrete, a stable steppingstone to a life deserving of love and light and peace.

It feels silly now, the hardest leap to make, the decision to jump off of what seemed to be a cliff into the abyss, was just a small gap in the sidewalk.

The fog has lifted, the darkness gone and all that is left is the warmth of the sun on your face and a smile that can be felt in your heart. You’ve made it. You. Did. It.

You found love for yourself despite everything, and you deserve it. You deserve your own love, and you deserve to accept love as well.

Congratulations for surviving it all, now enjoy all the spoils of the life you’ve been waiting for.

And thank you for being so strong. I wouldn’t be here if not for all the hard work you put in. You can relax now, I think I’ve got it from here.

Changing of the seasons

Spring opened her eyes rather than bearing her teeth

Warmer winds blowing away the ashes of winters fires

•

And summer rains will refresh what once was,

Relief will pour down

Washing away the drought of neglect

•

Autumns richness will bring clarity

As the leaves fall to make way for new life

•

When winter comes,

There will be peace in these flames that warm my soul

The smoke will clear as we tend to the hearth

Warm in love as we wait for spring once again.

Trigger

Everything has changed

Yet, almost nothing at all.

The rooms are quieter, calmer and relaxed

There is space to breathe a full breath.

I can close my eyes and let my shoulders drop.

There is peace here.

But my body tenses at the sound of every vehicle that passes by in the night.

I can finally sleep, but find myself panicked, running to the window when I hear an engine humming a little too close.

Headlights shining through the curtains, dancing along the walls have my heartbeat racing.

All of it reminding me of the trauma that walked out the door, still finding ways to trigger me in my solitude.