Would you believe?

I had a dream last night that changed my reality

I didn’t feel noticed… I felt seen.

I felt loved, for being me.

I realize, yes, this was just a dream

But oh, how wonderful the feeling

When I woke I felt a gnawing unease.

As I saw, that all my life, there has been a lacking,

A space un-filled , and incomplete.

I need to truly be me

To view my life, and take out the weight of deceit

To remind myself, this isn’t defeat.

My eyes are open,

My soul surviving by coping.

I’ve been a pawn in a game I did not enter

Playing by a rule book, that I have never seen

Somehow I’ve made it to the center

But I want to stop this unending scene

Now enough of this rhyming.

The timing…

It feels odd,

But I’m tired of fighting

Tired of trying

Tired of fixing

And getting mixed signals

I’m tired of blame

Exhausted by shame

Yet who is to blame? Is it me?

I don’t want to be noticed, I want to be seen

I don’t want to be heard, I need you to listen

Am I wrong for wanting affection, over just some dicks erection?

Excuse me, I should use more discretion.

I’m sick of being touched, for fucks sake

I just need some s p a c e.

But there is no room for that here, maybe it’s too late

I’ve been touched in all the wrong ways

Even with anger displayed

Nothing has changed.

Is it wrong to want affection, in all the right ways?

To see a true heart on display?

To feel loves true embrace?

Why do I feel like I’m in last place

In a long marathon race?

That dream…

It gave me a taste

Of a bittersweet decision I must make.

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It took me day of debating on whether or not to actually share this. Clearly, chose to, because I started this blog in hopes of being able to speak freely. To let the voice in my head, have a space to say what it needs to. This blog doesn’t necessarily have a “niche” but it does have a purpose.

I’ve realized that being vulnerable and sharing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions, not only helps me feel sane, but it may eventually find someone who feels similar. I will never brag and say that I’m a good writer, but I still can hope that, by sharing myself, it will help someone in need. Someone who might feel alone in their struggles, whatever they may be.

This is my longest poem by far, but I had a lot to feel that day and the words just kept flowing. And when the words flow, you let ‘em out!

Have a lovely week!

~A