I thought I could hurt forever…

I cook and clean and fold your clothes

You never say you’re thankful anymore.

I always thought I asked too much, is my fairytale idea of love, delusional?

You know damn well that I’m drowning

Heart is racing, head is pounding

Is today the day I walk away?

Maybe I can hurt forever if it keeps you happy

‘Cause there are days I think we’ll be alright.

But I can’t keep pouring from a cup so empty

Then turn my back and try to sleep at night.

If nothing changes, I might break

I don’t think you believe,

I’ll ever leave.

Standing at the kitchen sink,

I wonder if you’ll hear I word I say.

Washing off these dinner plates,

And all I see’s a decade down the drain.

You can see how much I’m drowning

Heart is racing head is pounding

Is today the day I walk away?

I thought I could hurt forever if it kept you happy,

But now I know I’ll never be alright.

‘Cause I can’t keep pouring from a cup so empty

Then sneak to bed and try to sleep at night.

If nothing changed, I said I’d break

I know you don’t believe, I’ll ever leave…

---

This is my own rendition of a song that I just heard today. The song spoke to me, I felt it in my soul, and I knew I needed to put my own words into it.

I hope my changes are no discredit to the artist.

---

If you’ve been a follower for a while I’m sure you have noticed that I am not happy in my relationship. I have just recently allowed myself to realize that my relationship is and always has been, emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I recently sought out a therapist, because even though I knew what I was feeling and I knew what was happening to me, I still felt like I needed that professional validation. Someone unbiased to tell me I’m not crazy. (Shocker, I’m not!)

I grew up being told therapists were bad, that mental health issues were a joke. I grew up being shown that my views and words and feelings didn’t matter. Now that I am figuring things out, hearing other people’s stories, I know now that I’ve been manipulated and gaslighted. That my Boyfriend of 9 years, has no empathy, and his pleasure is more important than any amount of pain he gives me.

I am unsure how to proceed. I still feel stuck because I have only $200 to my name and two toddlers that rely solely on me. Now this isn’t a pity party. I’ve just realized that the more open I am about this, the better I feel, and the less denial I have. I ask myself constantly if I am, in fact, overreacting, being too sensitive. But I know I’m not, I just need to keep my head above water long enough to find the shore.

---

So I know it isn’t Music Monday, but here is the original song.

Everleave by Alexandra Kay (what are the odds we have the same first name?)

Have a wonderful day friend, I’m sure I’ll see ya again before Christmas.

But also, happy Yule!

~A