Food for thought

Something interesting happened to me this week.

I know it’ll sound silly, but I wanted to have some fun and try out the whole TikTok making videos thing.

I was having fun, just doing random videos of organization before and afters, and my chickens, things like that.

I decided that maybe I’d try telling a story in one.

For a bit of context here, I’ve never liked my appearance. It’s been something that has really bothered me my whole life. And while I could go into detail and point out everything I dislike seeing on my body, I’ll just be vague.

I told my story, and I felt confident. But when I rewatched this recording of myself, I felt disgusted. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. To never open my mouth again in front of anyone.

“How the hell, could I have lived my whole life not knowing what I looked like to the rest of the world, how can I be this ugly? My brain has lied to me, the people around me have lied to me saying I was pretty.” It was a rabbit hole I didn’t expect to fall in and needless to say I had a bit of a breakdown and I cried.

I cried because the face in the mirror (which I’ve always hated) was prettier than the face in the recording. 10 times better looking than the face that everyone else in the world would see when speaking to me. I felt betrayed by my own body.

Yet when I looked in the mirror, there I was. The me that I’ve always seen. The me that I was accustomed to. Still not perfect, but I actually Liked this face I was seeing now.

I had a spiraling time thinking about this though. Why do I look ok in my mirror, shitty in pictures, and down right gross in video? Why were they all different? And what the f**k do I actually look like??

So I started my research. And this is what I’ve realized. The face in the mirror… it isn’t me. It is a reversed image of my face, and I like it because that is what my brain sees as familiar.

Pictures, are less so because I’m not as used to that image, that view, that angle of myself. And all that really depends on lighting, angle, distance, and whether the camera is in selfie mode (reversed) or not.

Now on to the video…. I have really never seen myself speak in a recording. So my brain sees that “person” as a stranger. That isn’t “me” because it’s something entirely new and unknown to my brain. And that voice I hear back?… not the same voice that I hear when I speak because you can’t hear the deep vibrations from your body in a recording, so that voice is annoying and not right in my mind.

Basically what I did was unravel the very fabric of my mind’s interpretation of what I am. I’ve taken what my brain knew as fact, and I’ve shredded it and told it that it’s beliefs are wrong.

Now I want to just give up and quit because I feel embarrassed and ashamed of my face and how horrible it looks to me…. But maybe all I need to do is continue to see myself that way, so that my brain can get used to what it sees, to see a new “normal”. Hopefully then the images I see won’t make me cry, but make me smile when they all look the same.

If anyone is interested in what I’m talking about on a scientific level, it is called the mere-exposure effect.

Anyway, I hope y’all have a wonderful day! Don’t let my pity party post drag ya down! Be happy and smile, because you are beautiful inside and out.

~A