Motherhood in a nutshell

It’s late, and it grows later as I bounce my 1 year old to sleep in her bouncer. My arm draped over the arm of the couch to gently push her chair up and down.

We have all been very sick, a nasty cold. Everyone is tired, but feels too shitty to sleep. But as she finally closes her eyes, a sigh of relief escapes my mouth. I’ll bounce her a few more minutes, let her sit still for a bit and then I’ll pack her back to her crib, I thought to myself.

Several minutes went by, still asleep, even through all the commotion of my 4 year old.

The noise settles, now is the time to pick her up. I unbuckle her from the seat, she stirs a little, but closes her eyes quickly.

As I go to lay her down, her father decides, at that moment, to be loud. “Voicing” his irritation with me. I look down in the darkness of the room and see my daughters sweet face, eyes wide open.

That, is the beginning of shit hitting the fan.

4 hours pass, it is now almost 2am and neither child will lay down. My son has been fighting bedtimes recently as well, so the mention of “it’s bedtime!” makes it incredibly difficult to even get him in his room.

I have every light turned off now. I change my daughters diaper one last time. I finish buttoning her onesie, she’s falling asleep again (finally) and then…. A coughing fit ensues….

Now this moment right here is the nutshell. I am coughing uncontrollably (while trying to control it) my daughter starts laughing, then my son starts laughing because of her laugh. Well soon her laughs turn to a mix of laughter and a scared cry, my son still laughing, I’m still coughing, it’s painful, but I’m also laughing at the chaos and cuteness of their laughs. I don’t know if it’s just me but if I cough too much like that and it makes me sneeze.

So it is a whirlwind of delirious, sleep deprived, sick, laughing, crying, coughing and sneezing. I’m simultaneously upset and in awe of how adorable my kids are. I wish I could stay up with them and snuggle all the time but I also have the book “go the f*ck to sleep” running through my head.

In the end, every one got to sleep. My son reluctantly crawled in his bed. And although he was upset that I was standing (rocking the baby) and not sitting, he did drift off to sleep. And so did my baby girl 15 minutes later at 2:45am. Their father somehow snoring through it all. I blame the alcohol, I could have literally screamed for help and he’d have kept sleeping.

I continued to have coughing fits for the next 15 minutes and 3 cough drops later, I was finally able to lay my head down and drift to sleep. Being woken up at 6 and again for the day at 8.

---

I haven’t slept a full night through in well over a year. And while I’d love to sleep solidly for more than 3 hours at a time, I wouldn’t change a thing.

Motherhood changes everything, for the better, I say. I am a better person because of them. I would never want the old me back.

~A