With a heavy heart…

Tears have been rolling since yesterday. A very beloved family pet has passed away. I knew all day yesterday that this was the end. If he pulled through then it would be a miracle. I got on the floor with him and told him how much I loved him, gave him a kiss and told him if he needed to go, then he could.

Seeing a soul that you love so dearly fade is the hardest thing to watch. The only solace I have now is that he isn’t in pain anymore.

My boyfriend even loved him so much that he slept out on the living room floor with him until about 3am. He came to bed and I went out to see Rupert for the last time. He was in his preferred laying position (which he hadn’t done in a while) snuggled against a pillow. He passed away shortly after that I believe.

I woke up this morning with the baby and saw he wasn’t there anymore. “Rupert’s gone…” he said, fighting back tears. “I have him in a box with a towel on the porch, I didn’t want the boy to see him like that when he woke up.”

I went out to see him in his box. I stroked his soft fur to the last time, trying my best to memorize the feeling so I wouldn’t forget. I bawled, “I’m so so sorry…”

I picked a dandelion from the yard, they were all barely opening under the morning sun. I placed the flower next to him.

My boyfriend asked where I wanted to bury him.

“Up front under the tree, between the yuccas.”

And that’s exactly what he did. I went out to watch him be placed in his resting spot. I grabbed the flower that had been left in the box. I hadn’t noticed when I picked it, but this dandelion had two fully formed flowers on a single stem. They had fully opened in the box with my Rupert. It felt like a sign of sorts, and it was comforting.

He had battled with bouts of being unwell since he was brought to my doorstep last year. He’d been part of our family for a year and a half. And he brought so much light in, so much laughter, so many smiles. He stole our hearts. I had a feeling two days ago that maybe he’d pull through. The vet said it looked like a fractured jaw on the X-ray. But he went for a trip down our long hallway for the first time in many many months. And he stayed down by our bedroom that night. His last hoorah. Visiting the end of the house one last time. He knew he was leaving and wanted to see it again. It had given me hope, seeing him hop around the floors. But yesterday was the opposite of hopeful. It was sorrow. He lost all of his muscle mass, could hardly move without wobbling. And when he sat, it was slumped and unsteady.

He’s not in pain anymore. I just have to keep saying it. But damn it does this hurt. Today is a sad day. I guess it’s only fitting that it’s gloomy out.

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Thanks for reading and looking back at memories with me if you got this far…

~A