I sit here, my 4 month old baby girl fast asleep, my 3 year old son running back and forth to the kitchen to put his hands in a bowl of water beads, and I’m thinking back on this past year.
Some really wonderful things happened, my daughter was born, my son had his 3rd birthday, we got a rabbit that I nursed back to health, and 2 Guinea pigs rescued from the woods, and I got a new car that can hold the whole family at the same time! Our Christmas was wonderful and, for the most part, peaceful. I became a stay at home mom too, and that was a major turning point to happiness for me.
And of all the wonderful things this year, I will not sugar coat it, and say that I haven’t had some very hard days, really difficult moments, and felt completely suffocated at times. I won’t say that everything is perfect, or that I don’t cry more often than one should, because things are never perfect, and I do cry. I get overwhelmed. I get stressed, anxious, and depressed. But I look at my children and I feel such a weight lifted. I give them an embrace and I feel at peace, I feel at home. I feel whole.
Love makes everything worthwhile, and it does not matter where that love comes from, love is stronger than hope, and much stronger than fear. My children are the source of my love, they make my heart beat with purpose, and with out them, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today, and I can’t even begin to imagine who she would be, or if I’d even like that version of me.
I don’t hardly do my makeup or my hair, I’m in sweats most days, showers tend to be far and few between, but I prefer that me. Because it is authentically me. I’m not covering up and putting on a facade, and I don’t like the thought of someone being something other than how they present themselves. I want honest, I want authentic, I want true, and I want to feel loved for that rather than feeling like I need to pretty myself up to go out in public. This year has changed me in many ways, the good, the bad, it has all shaped me to be who I am today. A better mother most of all, and that is all I can ever care about. My children deserve a mother that is true, and loves them more than her appearance.
The negative impacts from this year have only made me see more clearly, they are experiences that I now have knowledge of, and can better help my children steer away from when they are older, I’d like to say I’m wiser, but I’ll settle for just having the experiences, and I can pass on in words what I endured, and hope that my words are listened to.
Just because something bad happens my friend, it doesn’t mean that life is any lesser, any darker, or any less beautiful. You just need to choose to see the beautiful things around you, especially in your darkest moments.
I hope the new year gives you a sense of hopefulness, and excitement! I hope Mother Earth brings you happiness in many forms, and shines light and warmth on you in your times of need.
Happy new year
~A
Ink & Embers 