Ink & Embers

I thought I could hurt forever…

I cook and clean and fold your clothes

You never say you’re thankful anymore.

I always thought I asked too much, is my fairytale idea of love, delusional?

You know damn well that I’m drowning

Heart is racing, head is pounding

Is today the day I walk away?

Maybe I can hurt forever if it keeps you happy

‘Cause there are days I think we’ll be alright.

But I can’t keep pouring from a cup so empty

Then turn my back and try to sleep at night.

If nothing changes, I might break

I don’t think you believe,

I’ll ever leave.

Standing at the kitchen sink,

I wonder if you’ll hear I word I say.

Washing off these dinner plates,

And all I see’s a decade down the drain.

You can see how much I’m drowning

Heart is racing head is pounding

Is today the day I walk away?

I thought I could hurt forever if it kept you happy,

But now I know I’ll never be alright.

‘Cause I can’t keep pouring from a cup so empty

Then sneak to bed and try to sleep at night.

If nothing changed, I said I’d break

I know you don’t believe, I’ll ever leave…

This is my own rendition of a song that I just heard today. The song spoke to me, I felt it in my soul, and I knew I needed to put my own words into it.

I hope my changes are no discredit to the artist.

If you’ve been a follower for a while I’m sure you have noticed that I am not happy in my relationship. I have just recently allowed myself to realize that my relationship is and always has been, emotionally abusive and manipulative.

I recently sought out a therapist, because even though I knew what I was feeling and I knew what was happening to me, I still felt like I needed that professional validation. Someone unbiased to tell me I’m not crazy. (Shocker, I’m not!)

I grew up being told therapists were bad, that mental health issues were a joke. I grew up being shown that my views and words and feelings didn’t matter. Now that I am figuring things out, hearing other people’s stories, I know now that I’ve been manipulated and gaslighted. That my Boyfriend of 9 years, has no empathy, and his pleasure is more important than any amount of pain he gives me.

I am unsure how to proceed. I still feel stuck because I have only $200 to my name and two toddlers that rely solely on me. Now this isn’t a pity party. I’ve just realized that the more open I am about this, the better I feel, and the less denial I have. I ask myself constantly if I am, in fact, overreacting, being too sensitive. But I know I’m not, I just need to keep my head above water long enough to find the shore.

So I know it isn’t Music Monday, but here is the original song.

Everleave by Alexandra Kay (what are the odds we have the same first name?)

Have a wonderful day friend, I’m sure I’ll see ya again before Christmas.

But also, happy Yule!

Manifesting a dream

I’ll be sitting,

Cozy on the couch

Wrapped in a blanket sipping

Hot tea rests in my hands without a shadow of doubt

This is where I’m meant to be.

The walls of a beautiful home

Open arms for love to roam

Unafraid to crawl in bed to go to sleep

I can lay soundly in peace

And wake up to the pitter patter sound of my kids tiny feet.

A warm orange sunrise

Through the windows it streams

I’ll sip coffee and listen to the children’s laughter and glee.

And maybe I will hear the footsteps of a caring man on the new hardwood floors

With a smile that fills my hearts cracks and holes.

This is me, manifesting my dream.

Letter to Santa from mum

A Letter To Santa From mom Dear Santa, I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor’s …
Letter to Santa from mum

I loved this post so much and I just had to jump in and write this. I was thoroughly inspired, thank you Cazzy.

Dear Santa,

I know I must be too old to send you my wishes, is there an age limit?

Anyway, here goes.

I’d like a new blanket, you know, the super soft cozy ones? Maybe a pair of socks, my toes are pretty chilly this time of year.

Oh, maybe a packet of hot cocoa, I know it’ll be cool by the time I’m able to drink it though, caring for my babies takes up most of my time, or I’m too busy playing with them that I forget I made a drink to begin with!

I’m sure you can’t do it, even if you could, I’d hate to put that much work on the elves, they are so busy making toys that I’m sure making me a new skeletal system would be too overwhelming.

I’d exchange that wish for a massage, but I don’t have the time, so maybe just a heat pad instead.

I’d also appreciate unlimited storage on my phone, if I don’t take pictures of my babies everyday I might forget this stage of their lives… that scares me.

Now Santa, I have two last wishes that I know will be incredibly difficult, but I will ask anyway in the hopes that I have a sliver of a chance here.

A new house for the kids and I. One that isn’t falling apart and leaking. With plenty of space to run and play, a safe place where they feel happy, a place to call home.

And my last wish… to be rid of the toxicity that has crushed my heart. To replace that with someone who will love and respect us for who we are without a price.

If you can’t do that, I understand. It’s a tall order, but I will gladly accept a sweet puppy instead.

Yours truly,

Holiday traditions

With Christmas just around the corner, and Yule, the Winter Solstice, and Hanukkah coming to a close, I’ve been thinking about family traditions.

I want to know what all of you do for the Holidays!

The traditions I had as a child are mostly long gone. And while that makes me sad, I know that it is leaving room in my life for new traditions to be started with my own family.

While some traditions still hold, like our cookie frosting party at my granny’s house, opening presents at my parents on Christmas morning, and then driving to Granny’s once again to eat a huge breakfast and open presents there, many traditions have stopped. Because so many have stopped, I feel a bit of an empty space that needs filled.

So, I’d like for all of you to share a tradition of yours with me! I want to hear about how other families celebrate the holidays, and open our home to new things.

My page here is a non-judgmental place. I welcome any and all people, beliefs, religions, traditions and celebrations (as long as they are not harmful of course).

I love learning and being able to glimpse into the cultures of others. So please, if you can, share a bit your holidays with me and my family. I’d be honored to read all about them.

With warmth and love,

Restless

Unmade bed that is grey and lonely feeling

If it’s a restless night,

It’s a restless day.

No matter what you do, you won’t seem to shake the cobwebs from your brain.

You’ve been kept awake by nonsense and disarray.

And told in the morning “you’re not remembering it right, why do you act this way?!”

Days go by, the same ol’ thing.

Agony continues, is it…just a dream?

I’m making it up it seems.

But let me tell you this.

It’s been a restless night and a restless day, and everything is not ok.

You’ve been right all along,

The lies you’ve been told have been horrible and wrong.

Your “dreams” are nightmares and everyone of them as real as the day is long.

Ive been busy writing my new poetry book here recently, this is one of the poems. The title of my new book is A Life of Love We Shall Find

Here’s to hoping I can get it out before Christmas! Fingers crossed!!

If roses could speak

A dried and wilted rose in black and white image

If roses could speak

They might apologize for hurting you inadvertently

If roses could speak

They’d say their thorns are for protection, you see?

If roses could speak

They’d say defending themselves is necessary

For if roses could speak

You’d know the predators who would say they were pretty and prey on the “weak”

But roses always hide a trick under their leaves

Flashbacks

A burning orange wax candle sitting in the foreground of a black background, with faint view of piano keys behind it

The smooth, warm smell of a vanilla candle yanks me back through time.

Those have been my favorite candles for as long as I can remember, because amidst the trauma of my upbringing, that smell was sweet and comforting.

The pungent scent of a juniper shrub, it reminds me of the many apartments we lived in. Seems like very complex had them.

The taste of cinnamon buttered toast reminds me of a small but significant bond between my father and I. Something we both enjoyed together.

A large mug filled with hot earl grey, or constant comment tea and milk, reminds me of calm movie nights with my mom. Where stress of being yelled at would temporarily melt away with each sip. Bringing warmth to my sensitive soul.

The sound of metal jingling from our dog’s collar, always brought a smile to my face, knowing she was near. Now that she’s gone, it brings a bit of sadness to the memory.

And the sight of Christmas decorations… reminds me of all the holiday cheer our house held, even if no one was happy. The joy of waking up and turning on the tree lights each morning, moving the little Christmas mouse in the countdown to Santa calendar, a feeling I’ll never forget.

It’s amazing how a simple smell, sound, sight or touch, can bring you rushing back to when you were a child. For a moment your soul teleported into the past, the memory brought to life once again.

Sometimes I find myself struggling to remember, “where have I smelled this scent before?? I remember it from when I was a kid.” Sometimes you just can’t place the sense in your timeline.

These little glimpses to the past have shaped my life. I still hunt for a true vanilla candle, I still have a dislike for the smell of juniper shrubs, I still eat cinnamon toast and drink a large mug of tea when I need to warm my heart. Each time I hear the jingle of dog tags I am reminded of home and I still decorate for Christmas, turn on the tree each morning and have my son help me do the countdown to Santa.

The little things in life are never lost on me, and I never take them for granted. They are some of my most treasured memories.

Have a wonderful weekend my friends, treasure the little things.

Music Monday pt. 3

Welcome back to music Monday!!

I haven’t posted one in a while because, well, life has been a roller coaster.

So today, I want to share a few of the songs that have been playing in my house recently.

–

Now I’ll start off by saying, that P!nk is by far one of my favorite artists and vocalists. She will always be a staple in my music.

Honestly if I’m not listening to my pandora radio with music from the 30’s-50’s, you could almost bet money that I’m listening to P!nk.

I think I’ll dedicate an entire post on her and her career. But for today, I want to just share with you a few of her songs that hit me in the feels this weekend.

I don’t believe you – Funhouse album

Barbies – Beautiful Trauma album

Lost Cause – Trustfall album

I’d argue that these 3 songs are not widely known unless you’re an avid listener to her music. The Funhouse album has to be one of my absolute favorites of hers! I listened to a few of the songs SO much, that the cd stopped working on those tracks. I don’t believe you, was one of them. I will share All of my P!nk favorites in the dedicated post to her.

I hope you enjoy these tracks from 3 different albums.

Happy Monday, friend!

May we

A tranquil spot at sunset on a dock over calm waters

May we meet at the shores of peace

The sands of tranquility

May we clearly see

A world removed of its grease

May we find comfort in open arms

To feel love without trauma’s guards

May we hear unfiltered

And speak without fear

May we find laughter in arguments

And may we never learn resentment

May we care for each other

Instead of smothering

May we have joy

Instead of feeling destroyed

May we move away from the past

And treasure our lives at last

May we…

Would you be proud?

You’ve been gone,

A lot has happened after so long.

Would you be proud of me?

Maybe not of my choices in life,

But of the strength I have, to endure the strife.

Do you ever check in?

Is there a frown on your face, or a grin?

I’ve missed you,

Especially on the days with a dreary view.

I hope you can forgive me.

I cried, yelled and screamed.

I was angry that you left,

But I know you felt it was best.

I’ll cherish my fond memories

Especially the morning you made me coffee.

No one had ever done that before,

You showed me a love that went to my core.

I think of you every time I drink from this mug.

I can only hope you’re using yours too, because the warmth in my hands feels like a hug.

Gosh were those snug.

I lost my best friend in 2015. He took his own life at 19 years old. I am incredibly thankful that I was able to reconnect after we split up two years beforehand. He brought me out a dark place, and he showed me that there was more to life. His laughter was contagious, and thinking of it now brings a smile to my face. He was the kindest and sweetest guy, no one knew the horrors of his mind under the surface. I still “talk” to him. Hoping that he hears me, when I tell him about the shitshows in my life or my new favorite song I wish I could share.

The reference to the coffee mug is because I bought us matching hand thrown stoneware mugs, so that when he left to work in a different state, we could still have our morning coffees together like we did every morning before he graduated.

And while we didn’t work out as a couple, I’m so so happy that he was always, and always will be, my best friend. There was never a dull moment with him, and there was always comfort in his presence, for me and our group of misfits.

My life would have been much darker without him in it, thank you for being my guardian angel, Skyler.