Our talks

‘Black mamba’ petunia flower
Photo by Alexandra Griffiths 2020

Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been able to sit down, comfortable on the sofa, and just talk?

To have real, meaningful conversation, to be listened to and heard

To know that someone cared enough to use up their time to hear you speak of your troubles.

It didn’t matter what those troubles were, they were listened to and cared for all the same.

If I had that right now, I think I’d just cry.

I’d sit and sob into my knees as I huddled into a ball, melting into the cushions.

I’d fall climbing the mountain of stories I needed to tell

I’d trip on the landslide of words as they all rushed to my lips at once.

I miss the talks.

I miss that feeling.

I miss that tether of love that is needed for healing.

~A

P.s.

Dedicated to the best cousin there is,

Thank you

Heavy

I am floating

And I am heavy.

I am emotional

And I am numb.

The minutes take ages

And a year takes minutes.

Reality has been unveiled

It’s true form staring me in the face…

I am stuck.

And I feel free.

Who am I…

Who will I be?

Mother and son looking out across a canyon to the mountains on the other side. Eastern Oregon. Photo is of the author Alexandra Griffiths and her 4 year old son with autism.
My son and I enjoying the view on a hike with my family (don’t worry, grandpa carried sister on the way back)

Things have been rough there lately for me you guys, so I apologize for not posting much. I’ve been wanting to but the things are just… well, heavy. This hike was a nice reminder that my world is not as small as it feels sometimes. The smaller your world feels, the easier it is to feel trapped.

I didn’t even hesitate when my mom asked if I wanted to hike with them, I needed that space to breathe. Ronan did too, he was so happy and calm and talkative (in his own way) and that was fantastic to see! His language is developing slowly but surely and I couldn’t be anymore proud of him, and his sister, they are both the rocks that keep me grounded, they are the waters of life that know no bounds, I will do my best to keep that spirit alive.

I’ve been busy, and maybe I’ll hit ya with an update, but for now, just know that I hope you are able to find peace and happiness in your days, no matter how small or how big.

Love, peace and happiness should not be earned. They should be second nature.

~A

At the bottom of a hole

Bright sunlight shining through the exit to a cave with water rushing down.

“We all start somewhere.”

A phrase I’ve often heard when you’re struggling to make ends meet.

Some will never know what it’s like.

They’ll never know what it’s like to be hungry,

When all you could afford was a carton of eggs with the pennies you dug from your car, and the 10¢ you found in the parking lot.

They will never know what it’s like to use the oven in the kitchen to stay warm on a winter night, because your attic apartment didn’t have heat.

Or to figure out no doctor would help you, until you’d lost every cent your ever saved.

They will never know the fear of not knowing where you’ll live, while struggling to nourish a life inside your body.

To be told you’re not enough,

To be shown you’re worth less.

To be shown “love” that actually strips you love.

To realize true happiness is a mirage,

The stress to find it will eat you alive.

To need support and get the opposite, but you felt you deserved that.

You must be cursed.

How do you escape the generational hole that you were thrown in?

Being at the bottom is dark, it’s scary, and there is no pathway up. No ladders to climb, no elevator to take you up, no hand to help you out.

And still… I have hope, my low position in this world is not from a lack of hope and dreams, I have plenty of those.

If I can’t find a pathway out, I may as well make one, or find my wings and fly my ass to the high ground.

~A

Bad habits

An empty crystal hard alcohol glass against a dark background with a sharp raw of light bouncing off the table top in front of it.

Life has patterns

The comings and goings of seasons

The rising and setting of the sun

The phases of the moon.

Individual lives have patterns too.

Some have a cycle they can’t escape

A carousel of bad habits.

So stuck in this infinite loop that they don’t realize they’re even there.

Try to change and it sucks you back in, very few able to cut the strings that hold them.

Even more get wrapped in the web even tighter than before, until they can no longer move, no longer see, no longer feel. The outside world is gone

All that’s left

Is a cocoon that they made for themselves filled with darkness and regrets, anger and blame that is put on those closest, there is no room left for anything but them.

Remember that this isn’t your fault. No matter what is said, you did not cause their “habit” and you are not responsible for it either.

~A

As my thoughts speak

Blue sky with sparse clouds
Image by Alexandra Griffiths

Can you hear my words?

Maybe hear my thoughts?

I’ve heard that you can, no matter where I am or the words I’ve wrought.

Whether I say it out loud or I ramble in my head.

I wish I knew,

Am I talking to myself,

Maybe a little light you could shed.

Sometimes I’m too tired to speak,

And I don’t feel like talking.

I hope you can still hear me as my thoughts start to leak.

~A

First time garden and my mistakes

No poetry on this one guys! But I did want to share with everyone about my garden. This is my first actual garden that I’ve planted and I wanted to go through some of my mistakes and things that I will change for next year.

So this is basically a little tour of what I have, then I can look back on this post and remind myself what I did! Also if any other first timers want to take some tips from my mess ups then that’s great too!

I hope tomorrow morning I can get pictures of the honey bees, they didn’t show up today due to the rain.

Let’s jump in!

Little video tour of how my garden is set up currently

Right off the bat I will say this; I initially thought planting next to this giant bush was a good idea because I don’t use this part of the yard. I will now say, that I shouldn’t have planted here at all. The old wooden fence isn’t treated so it attracts a huge amount of wasps, the bush itself attracts wasps (not sure why) and there just isn’t enough room.

Plus, I put all this in the back yard where the chickens free roam. So to protect my garden, I wrapped fencing around the raised bed I built and in front of the squash plants.

Well needless to say, there is a huge issue here with morning glory and button weeds and they grow insanely fast.

So the combination of wasps and fencing to keep chickens out, made it very hard to weed and control the issue since I didn’t have easy access.

Wyandotte chickens pecking around a kids play mower. On Columbian Wyandotte and two silver laced Wyandotte chickens
Free roam back yard chickens
The ladies

So, next year, I’m planting my garden in the opposite corner of the front yard and making the garden it’s own space! (Why I didn’t think to plant there to begin with, I’ll never know)

Small orange pumpkin on the vine hanging from a nearby bush
This volunteer small pumpkin is hanging off of the bush I mentioned earlier!
Medium sized green pumpkin hidden in weeds
A pumpkin of another plant nestled in the weed forest
Small white wild kitten peeking out from under a bush
One of the wild kittens born in my yard
Very large squash plant vines with many closed blooms and small yellow squash
Summer squash plants (these plants are dinosaurs, I have to put half my body in here just to harvest)
Freshly harvested summer squash and cucumbers
These were harvested yesterday morning! (yellow/summer squash and cucumbers)
Freshly harvested yellow summer squash
Banana pepper and a cucumber freshly harvested this morning
Was able to harvest a cucumber and a banana pepper this morning!
Red and purple radishes harvested
Radishes harvested earlier in the season
Small diy raised garden bed before planting
This is what my garden bed looked like before planting (I have a post about this garden from a while back too)

So in summary, don’t plant your garden next to unfinished wood, other plants or fencing.

Plant your garden in an easily accessible spot away from chickens that like to dig, I lost several tomato plants from them digging to lay in the cool dirt.

My plan for next year, is to have built more raised beds that I can walk around, they won’t be touching any fencing, and won’t be near any other plants.

Hopefully I can get some lavender and marigolds, to plant around the garden space and yard to deter the wasps from coming back… fingers crossed, they are infesting everything here.

So there’s my trailer house farm yard update!

Have a great weekend everyone!

~A

Golden shores

Edited image from elder scrolls oblivion, sun setting on the Gold Coast.

I sit on the edge

Dipping my toes in the vast unknown and uncertainty.

I hear the waves of doubt as they crash against the sand on the golden shores,

My comfort zone.

Sometimes my warm, golden shores are clouded by guilt, pain, and harsh words,

But the heat of the setting sun warms my soul

I close my eyes and bask in its embrace. This is my happy place.

The waters, the sands, the rustle of golden grass, along golden shores in the golden hour light.

This is my escape when I need to calm the storms

This is my comfort, when all I need is warmth and simple pleasures.

If only I could have company in the corners of my mind

Though I’m unsure how you could get there, I know you’d love it.

~A

She is

A picture of myself (Alexandra Griffiths) during a maternity shoot in august of 2022

She is resounding strength.

You may not see her scars,

But oh, the battles she has fought.

She is soft, when others are hard

Though she is sweet, she is not for the faint of heart.

She has made oceans from tears

Made life from sacrifice

She has made dreams from nightmares

She has found warmth within ice

A woman made of anxiety and fears

A mother made of love beyond her years.