Many battles are fought in life. Many styles and techniques used to defeat your opponent.
I want you to imagine your opponent. Is it the pile of dishes in the sink? The mountains of laundry to be put away?
Maybe it’s your job. A relationship. Yourself?
Whatever you’ve chosen to put in that opposite corner, your goal is to overcome, or even just survive.
Maybe today you don’t feel strong, you’re taking hits you normally would have avoided. So, do you have someone in your corner? Someone to wipe the blood from your face, patch you up and keep you hydrated?
If you said no, I completely understand. Even though I do understand (I’ve been fighting alone for most my life) I don’t recommend it.
Fight after fight, after fight, with not enough time to catch your breath, you are setting yourself up for a loss, and continuous losses. Sometimes it is unavoidable.
And sometimes all you need to take the edge off, is one person. Maybe they are way out in the crowd, but they are louder than anyone else. All you hear are their cheers and support. The fight will feel easier.
So find your cheerleader, whether they are close enough to wipe your tears, or far, far away and can lessen your fears, find them. You always need someone in your corner of life.
School is back in session! So that means, my baby girl and I are back sitting at my grandmas house watching shows while my son is at school.
I waited a little bit to post so that I had at least a couple things to talk over. So here goes the first one!
Maid
Now this show was a tad slow to start. And while the whole show felt a bit slow, it felt overwhelmingly relatable to me in a few ways.
So this short series is a bout a young mother, her daughter just turning 4, is in a relationship with an alcoholic. They live in a small, old trailer house, poor and there is emotional abuse.
The storyline follows this mother along her path to get her and her daughter away from that life, but she is met with many, many obstacles regarding government assistance and housing. She dreams of being a writer too.
She gets a job finally working as a maid for the rich people living on Fisher Island. She has to take a ferry there in order to work, but how will she find someone to watch her daughter?
This show really hit me in a lot of ways. With the similarities of being poor, living in a shitty old trailer house with kids, an alcoholic and some emotional stresses, and the dream of writing for a living.
I made a comment during the show, “it would be so hard to be this poor and clean such amazing homes…”
I said this like I couldn’t imagine what it would be like, in fact I think I actually said that. But the truth is, I 1,000% DO know what that is like. My grandparents are rich. And cleaning their house (when they are gone on vacation, I clean to be nice and considerate) it makes me envious. It IS hard to do. Because then I go home to clean my own house, and it’s stressful. I don’t have nice new, quality materials to clean, no, my house is old, and a mobile home at that, which means it was made with subpar materials, which are hard to clean. Especially when you moved in after a 90 year old woman who didn’t clean… that grime never comes off. The chips in the linoleum are everywhere, as well as exposed staples that hold the flooring down.
Being dirt poor, cleaning a nice home, it simultaneously hurts and makes you try harder to make things better.
Enough of the rant!
This show was good. It was short, but I enjoyed it. It showcases real and raw situations that people go through, more specifically, is low class people.
(This creative piece you just read stemmed from a bad night of pain. It’s chronic for me, but this specific pain only happens every so often, and while I was involuntarily crying from it while eating my dinner, it did give me inspiration, I can give thanks to my body for that.)
Honestly who doesn’t like music? In some form or another we hear music everyday. It’s a part of every culture, no matter where you go.
I listen to the radio every weekday when I drive my son to school. And every now and then I hear songs that just hit me in a good way. You know when you hear a song that just makes you feel a strong emotion? Like you can feel the music in your soul.
So, starting this week I want to dedicate a day to talk about those songs. To discuss the unique lyrics that I love and the sounds that ring in my head for days on end.
Music Mondays
My music preferences may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but sometimes I just want to talk about the way a single verse spoke to me, or how beautiful the tune of the guitar in the background sounds.
There are times where I don’t necessarily like the whole song, but I’ll love a specific part. I want to showcase my appreciation for the artist, the writers and the composers. I want to display my love of the messages in them, and how they are relevant to me and my life or my past.
Now, I don’t really have a background in music. I played trumpet throughout high school. I used my brothers hand-me-down. I was 2nd best player (not to toot my own horn *haha*) but I never wanted to play that instrument, I just got stuck with it and wasn’t allowed to change.
Since then I’ve taught myself to play piano, which I love, but soon I realized I can only play with one hand at a time. On any instrument. I don’t know if that weird coordination is from nerve issues due to scoliosis, but I cannot get my hands to do two different things at once. So, sorry violin, you’ll most likely sit in my closet for an eternity…
Aside from the lack of instruments, I love to sing. I can’t sing in front at anyone due to extreme stage fright and anxiety, but I do love it. (My son won’t allow singing unless we are in the car) I did how ever break out of my shell a few times. I sang at my high school graduation, under the condition that I was with a friend and a spot light was in my face blinding me from seeing the hundreds of people judging. I was volunteered to sing, you see, a friend of mine walked in while I was alone painting a mural in a teacher’s classroom, I had headphones in, it was after school was out so I assumed no one was around. I was wrong. But my friend and a few others that had gathered, said I was great. (I still don’t believe them but, hey, I felt flattered!)
After that I was asked to sing the national anthem 3 different times. And the last time I did it, I had a panic attack. While I did finish the song, it probably sounded terrible, and I never did it again. Instead, I quietly sing along to songs at home as not to overwhelm my sensory sensitive son, or I sing confidently in the car, where he couldn’t care less if I sing or not!
That’s the extent of my experience! *haha* which isn’t much!
So tag along with me and let’s dig into some music, and maybe you’ll find one that you love!
The hearths flames licked the air, some flames danced, others swayed, my mind lost in the tranquility it provided the room.
“Does it still hurt?” Mama asked with quiet concern. I hadn’t even noticed I was touching my cheek where that burning scratch had been. I quickly put my hand down in my lap.
“No, Mama, it doesn’t hurt. It’s just so weird that it’s gone now, I can’t stop thinking of what happened, and… well now that the scratch is gone it really does just seem like a dream.” I looked at Kye’s back, as he lay in front of me, soaking in the warmth of the fire, his body is so big, it takes up the whole area rug beneath him. I stared at his coat, huge streaks of fur missing. The size of the claws that got him… I can even imagine how big the creature must have been. The skin beneath his fur is white, quite the stark contrast compared to his black coat. I’d never seen his skin before, his fur is so dense, there’s no way you could see it.
“What did it look like? Before it healed?” I asked, still staring at my sweet mutt.
“Oh, Finn…” Mama sighed, “I don’t quite know how I can explain it. Uhm, he was in a lot of pain but he got you safely back here before he collapsed. Your father picked him up as soon as he could and ran him to Mata. So, I only saw the wounds briefly, and they looked like claw marks in shape, but, the skin itself looked as if it had been burned… Mata said that, before she could really even help and dress the wounds, he was already healing. I don’t understand it… well to be honest, I don’t understand any of what’s been going on the past two days, but—”
A sharp pounding on the door interrupted her. She stood to answer the door, Kye grumbled but didn’t get up. Mama motioned for him to stay, and he did so, but he was alert and watching the door.
“Can I Help you?”
“Need a room, if you have one ma’am.” The voice was deep and gravelly, a traveler looking to stay at the inn. He walked in, Mama went to the counter to write his name down in the guest book, and sort out payment.
“Do you need any extra pillows or blankets, food?” Mama asked as she usually had with everyone. The man looked around the room as if he was looking for something.
“No.” He said sternly. “But I wouldn’t mind a bath, I’ve been on the road a while now.”
“Alright. Jasper?” She called out to father, he always took the guests to their rooms when he was home.
“Oh, shoot, I forgot he’s out right now. Finn? Would you mind taking this gentleman to room 4?” She held up the key, room 4 was at the end of the hall from the room we were in. The furthest away from our home.
“Of course Mama.” I stood from my seat and stretched a bit, Kye standing up behind me. Never taking his eyes off the man.
“Finn, huh?” He asked, “I like that name, I’m Ra’vaan.”
“Nice to meet you, sir.” I wasn’t sure if I should invite more conversation with this stranger, he clearly wasn’t from near here. I’d never seen anyone like him. He towered over everyone here, wearing a cowl, I couldn’t see his face, but as he walked in front of me I saw… a tail…
I didn’t say anything, I tried my best to not stare, but… a tail??
“This is your room here.” I handed him the key and said if he needed anything else we would be in the rooms down the hall. He thanked me and I started to walk away, when he cleared his throat to get my attention.
“Where would that bath be, young one?”
“Oh! I’m sorry, Mama- uh, Viranee, will come get you when it is ready.” I lowered my head a bit in embarrassment, but he just chuckled.
“Thank you, Finn.” He went in the room and closed the door, and I heard it lock.
“Mama?!” I said in a loud whisper.
“What?! What’s wrong??” I made her worried, I didn’t mean to, but I had to ask…
“That man has a- a tail?!…” I said very quietly
Mama looked a bit shocked.
“A tail? Well, what kind?” She whispered back.
“Well, like, a really, really long one! It was shiny black and covered in short dense looking fur!”
“Finn! Don’t be rude, I take it we have a guest?” Father looked at Mama to confirm his question.
“Yes, dear. He is in room 4, and has requested a bath. It should be ready now in fact. I’ll go fetch him.”
Mama grabbed towels from under the counter and hurried off down the hall.
“Finn, I’m sorry if I sounded harsh, but you can’t judge people like that-”
“I wasn’t judging father!! I-I…” I lowered my head, I felt embarrassed and ashamed.
Father looked at me, seemingly frustrated, but his expression softened.
“I’m sorry, son. I shouldn’t have expected you to know, I’ve never let you experience the world… and I never told you of the people beyond Thorn.” Father sighed, he rubbed his eyes, trying to rid the guilt from his face.
“What kind of…tail, does our guest have?” Father asked quietly and with a bit of shame in his tone.
“It-it was long and had dark short fur.” I said, I felt like I was being interrogated.
“Ahhh, you son, have met a-”
“A Skoja.” Father was interrupted by a gravely voice from the shadows. Removing his cowl, I saw his face, whiskers, fangs, large purple eyes and rounded ears atop his head. Reaching out his hand I saw claws.
“My name is Ra’vaan, you must be Jasper?”
“Yes!” Ra’vaan and father shook hands and exchanged a small chuckle.
“Forgive me, I’ve never taken my son away from this town, and… they don’t like outsiders much, here in Thorn. But you are very welcome here at our inn. Everything is to your liking I hope?”
“It’s lovely here, please do not apologize, I am used to the customs of other towns such as this, many are afraid of our kind. But I’ve seen you before,” Ra’vaan motioned to father with a grin. “You used to be a courier, no?”
“I did, I have visited your homeland many times. Beautiful region… what brings you out here, if I might ask?” Father seemed curious, and a bit confused.
“I was sent here to find Bakir Novett. Do you know him?”
Father, looked a bit shocked for a moment and then sadness crept over his face.
“I’m sorry, but Bakir… he’s gone. Assumed deceased. He uh- went out in to the woods after dark, he never returned. That was a few days ago.” Holding back his tears, fathers voice wavered a bit. Losing a friend like that has really been hard on him.
“Why would he leave the walls? Surely he knows the dangers of this area?” Ra’vaan sounded a bit skeptical but I think he could see the sadness in fathers eyes.
“He was your friend… I give you my deepest sympathies. Bakir was a wonderful man. I worked with him for many years before his wife…passed.” Ra’vaan looked at me, making sure he didn’t say anything to scare me I would assume.
“So you’re a baker too?” I asked out of surprise, he definitely didn’t seem like the type of person who’d make bread all day.
Ra’vaan seemed taken aback by my question.
“A baker??” He let out a chuckle, “no, no , no. I’m a mage! Bakir was my head research assistant back home in Skojaal!”
“Research?!” Father and I blurted out at the same time bewilderment written all over our faces.
“Wait, I’m sorry, uhm-,” father cleared his throat, “what research?”
“I see by your responses that you had no idea…” Ra’vaan let out a quick sigh, “where do I begin?”
Father and I stared at him, anxiously awaiting his response.
“We have been looking into the imbalances of nature, in all regions. We noticed that there seems to be something a bit different with Thorn. Bakir offered to come here to conduct his research on the surrounding area. But after the tragedy with his wife, he left without telling me. I have been here before to find him, but he wasn’t here. I searched everywhere, and now, after 14 years, I’m here again. I felt a pull to come here, something didn’t feel right.
“Then why would he pretend to be a baker- ahhh…. Bakir-baker…. It should have been obvious that it was a cover up. That and his bread was certainly not great when he moved here!” That was the first time I’d seen father laugh since Bakir disappeared. It was nice to see him smile again.
“He did have a witty sense of humor!” Ra’vaan laughed along with father.
“I don’t mean to interrupt the fun, but your bath is ready Ra’vaan.” Mother peeked around the doorway, as we all chuckled around the fire in the hearth.
“We shall speak more in the morning, my friends. Good night.” Ra’vaan nodded gracefully at us, and we nodded back.
“So what was all that laughter about? Did I miss a joke?!” Mama asked, she always loved a good joke, and would have been terribly disappointed if she’d missed one.
“You aren’t going to believe what he told us Vira.” Father patted the bench he was straddling over, motioning for Mama to come sit down in front of him and listen to the story.
Watching the fire dance in the hearth, I listened to the sound of my parents talking and drifted to sleep, soundly this time.
How is everyone enjoying the book so far? What do we think of this new character and turn of events?
Did you miss the first 3 chapters of Beyond the Walls? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered.
I’ve had some new followers here recently and I realized, you may not know me, or know what this blog is about. So I thought I’d introduce myself a little and also just give everyone a small update on life here.
Introducing myself
My name is Allie, I’m a mama of two little ones. My son is 4 he just started his second year of preschool, and my daughter just turned 1 at the end of august! I like to joke that my home is a trailer house ranch because we have quite the menagerie of animals, all rescues besides the chickens! We have two elderly cats, 3 chickens that are currently freeloaders and won’t lay. ( they are only 2 1/2) We have our second rescue free roam bunny in the house, and we had two Guinea pigs (unfortunately one just passed away, more on that later) I’ve only been a stay at home mama for about a year, and I’m incredibly thankful for that, because it has allowed me to help my autistic son get all the therapy and hands on life experience he needs. And it also gives me time to, not only write here in my blog, but also to write my poetry, and work on my new novel! I’m slowly trying to make my dreams come true.
Summer is officially coming to a close, the leaves are falling and the mornings and nights are starting to feel crisp. I love it! Fall is my favorite season. I love everything about it, the sights, the smells, the feel of that autumn air.
Warm coffee, hot chocolate, and hot teas. (But let’s be honest, I drink those all year round! Something about cooler weather makes it feel different though.)
Curling up with a hot drink, in a cozy sweater and a warm blanket, still warm enough to sit outside in the yard and enjoy the sunshine.
The leaves crunching under tiny feet as they run and play.
Somehow the air feels fresher. Like it fills the lungs more. Fall is relaxation and coziness at its finest.
With the season changing, it seems like everything else is also changing. Along with school being back in session, and my kids are growing so quickly before my eyes, my state of mind has also been changing. I no longer feel the need to please everyone. Respect is earned, not a handout. I must change my priorities to fit life that I want. And that means making my kids as happy and healthy as they can be, making them feel beyond loved and cared for.
For all of that to happen, my goals I’ve been setting need to take place.
So here are my goals
Get a remote job, so I can work and not give up the time necessary to care for my family.
Finish my novel and second poetry book.
Buy a home
While this list is only a few things, these are not and have not, been easy to accomplish. Time hasn’t been on my side. It’s difficult to sit and write creatively when your mind is scrambled with stresses of life. The chores a have been overwhelming too. With the kids having been sick, and my chronic pain at a peak, things keep piling up, so it’s been hard to do the things I want to do. The things I need to do.
Despite all of the pains mentally and physically, I am still trying my best, and that’s all you can do. I won’t give in to the pains, that will only make things worse. Instead, I look for all the beauty in things that surround me. The smiles of my children, their laughter, the warmth in my cup, the way the sun shines on the earth and the life that lives there.
Big or small, the beauty of life is everywhere. I never saw it before, but I have opened my eyes, and my mind, to accept that I can’t change the negatives, but I can see the world in a new light, and accept that life isn’t just me drowning in a vast sea of black.
If you’re struggling, I hope you read this and that you can search for the light that shines around you, to find the comforts that you deserve, and to feel the joy in the little things. You are not alone, you are not stuck. There is always a way to catch your breath, and just breathe.
Life isn’t meant to be perfect. Find the beauty in the imperfections, and smile.
Today I had the full realization that I have always put myself, my needs, my life, on the back burner. Hell, not even on the stove but stuck in the back of a cupboard.
So I decided that I’d do something today that I’ve never done. I’m going to be selfish.
I am going to talk about myself as if Ilove myself. I am going to talk about myself as if I am talking about someone else.
I am going to give myself confidence, in a way I’ve never had. By being my own cheerleader.
Because I am worth it.
I am worthy of happiness
I am worthy of joy
I am worthy of love
And I am worthy of being loved.
I am deserving.
I deserve respect
Simply because I respect you.
I deserve to feel comfortable
I deserve to feel calm
I deserve to feel supported
I deserve to feel happiness, joy and love.
I am a motherfirst and foremost.
I am a friend
I am a sister
I am a daughter.
I am smart
I am gifted
I am kind
I am empathetic to a fault…
No. Not to a fault, but for a reason.
I am helpful
I am loving
I am beautiful…
Yes……..I am. Stop being so hard on yourself.
I have endured pains that others cannot understand. And I’m great at hiding it.
I may not have faith, but I have hope.
I have determination to build a better life. A life for my children, that I never had.
I will be their safety net when they fall, I will be the comfort they need, at any time and for any reason. Because I am a good mother.
In all honesty, I had a whole post written yesterday that I didn’t finish. This morning I read back the first few sentences and I scratched the whole thing. Now here we are.
I’ve had too much on my mind, and I’ve put a lot on my plate, which doesn’t exactly help the mental load I’ve given myself.
Raising children can be very challenging at times, but raising children that are very young, one that is non verbal autistic with sensory processing disorders, and raising them basically alone nonetheless, is even more challenging. When you add finances, or lack there of, to the mix, it makes things wildly more complicated.
I don’t say this for pity, but just to get some things off of my chest. It’s been far too long since I have had a real conversation with anyone, so if you could imagine, I have too much I need to let out.
I so wish that I had a friend that would come over and just sit with me, we could drink coffee or have lunch while watching the kids play, and we could talk about anything and everything that needs to be said.
Let’s just take a quick look at what I’ve got going on.
I’m working on my book Beyond the Walls, I’ve been shadowing some classes on Coursera trying to see what I enjoy before I pay for anything (money is more than tight here so I need to be certain before I spend a penny). I am also taking free computer coding classes on Codecademy, and doing my best to work on designs for my Etsyshop even though I’ve never sold a thing.
I’m grasping at straws trying make income from home, because I have to. This blog is just for my peace of mind, and yes, I did hope I could make something from it. Because how incredible would it be to make income while doing something you like to do for fun?! But in all transparency, this blog has only made a total of .12¢, and I don’t expect it to pick up as I’ve seen a big drop in visits and views. But you know what? I don’t mind, I will still write on here because I like to, and because I enjoy talking with the few friends I have made on here, even if you’re just virtual friends and you live across great spans of land an ocean from me, you know who you are! I want to thank you guys for giving me a sense of belonging, and giving me the courage and confidence to write more and to publish my poetry book. You have given me a kick to do what I love and to realize that I shouldn’t feel the embarrassment I once did.
I have a lot more to say, but I’ll save it for later as I’m sure I’ve bored you enough! *Haha* (and my coffee has gone cold twice now, it’s taken me a long while to write today. Sick babies need lots and lots of snuggles and tissues.)
If anyone needs to talk about anything, go ahead, I’m listening
P.s. none of my links are affiliate links. I just linked them in case anyone wants to look at the things I’m talking about!
Seeing people online or on tv, it’s like looking at a house.
The outside can sometimes be this gorgeous home, and maybe on the inside it is too.
Hell, maybe even the foundations are sturdy and it really is just as great on the outside as it is on the inside.
But maybe this gorgeous house is faltering, maybe there’s mold. It’s easy to over look when the rest is so pretty.
Though, maybe, the house doesn’t look so great on the outside. Not eye catching at all. And on the inside it’s just as unappealing.
It’s a mess, it’s not pretty, or even nice.
It simply looks like chaos just threw up.
However, if we look closer…
We see that, while maybe the dishes aren’t done, underneath the mountains of toys in the living room, the carpet is cleaned and vacuumed.
Maybe the clothes in the master bedroom aren’t put away, but the tiny little clothes in the laundry basket have been neatly folded and organized in their drawers.
And while the front lawn looks like a jungle, the back yard has been mowed and toys ready for playing, a hammock set up to sway and relax.
The home has been used, reused and used again, and it looks like it. It’s been damaged and covered up and had shitty repairs. (Me too house, me too.)
There isn’t a foundation, it moves and shakes with the wind or the tumbling of the dryer.
But if you look closely, you’ll see that the house is a mess because the happiness of the children inside it, matter more than the dishes in the sink, the appearance, or the judgment of others.
Ink & Embers 