My life has felt almost like a dream
Waking from a nightmare to be thrown into a revolving door amongst wishes, only to be caught, unable to escape the relentless spinning.
I remember too much, too young. It must have been a dream right?
Cigarette burns on my youth skin and in my lungs.
Locked in a room for days at 4 years past.
I’ve been starved of everything you can imagine; life, love, happiness and food.
And safety.
The roller coaster picked me up, excited squeals turn to sobbing on the descent. The tracks rumble and shake, the safety harness not tight enough, or tight at all, a mirage. The yells of the wheels keep me terrified, petrified, trapped.
This must have been a nightmare, there’s no way this was real. An unending ride that slows and gives hope that it’s the end, only to be dropped. The fleeting happy faces of people on the ground, unaware of the fear, the sadness. Mistaking my cries for help for laughter.
Finding a way off is a relief. But I’ve forgotten what solid ground felt like, or have I ever known?
Stumbling through a circus, dazed and confused, clowns at every turn trying to take advantage of me. And some succeeding.
The circus becomes a dark room, no exit in sight. Feeling the crushing weight of darkness, and my soul leaving my body, the intrusion too much to bear.
The dark room melts away, but a shadow hangs over everything. Vision clouded by the numbness, now this must certainly have been a dream.
What must I have done to be tortured so? To live a waking nightmare just to sleep and let the nightmares of my mind take over.
My life feels like a dream until I wake to see my children’s beautiful smiles, and they wake my soul to feel light of the morning sun on my face, I am reminded that this is real, that my past was real, that I have been broken.
And I can and will, repair the damage others have left.
~A
Ink & Embers 