Chapter 1

Too young to remember

The smell of smoke, dust, and cat urine. The sound of loud drums that rattled my chest, and a rumbling pain in my belly. The music stopped, and I was told to go away, it was time for the adults to be alone. So I went outside, crawling around on all fours on the rough stone I barked at a passerby who stared at me concerned.

I’m sure he wondered why a small 3 year old girl was barking, but he kept walking.

I searched around for food, the older lady near by would sometimes have cat food left in front of her door, so I crawled my way over. It was filled to the brim! Her cats hadn’t eaten yet so I dug in to the bowl. I soon heard shuffling inside the house near the door so I ran. I had only managed a couple bites, so my belly still grumbled at me.

I walked around the houses that snuggled up to ours, only small pathways in between. I ate some grass, and tried to eat a stick or two, but they didn’t help much. It was then that I saw the older lady look at me and set down something near the cat bowl. She went back in after waving me over. I quickly and cautiously crawled to her door, to see a big piece of bread just waiting for me. I ate it quickly. Covered in crumbs, I finally felt satisfied. What a wonderful woman, to spare what she had for a mangy looking child. I will never forget her, but I’ll never know who she was either.

I decided then to go behind the houses to see if I could pet the horses over the fence. I was so close to touching this very handsome bay, when they ran off. Behind me, a skinny pale man stomped his way across the grass.

“ What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” He yelled.

Without giving me a chance to understand what was happening he grabbed me by the arm and yanked me towards the house claiming that I was told not to go outside and that they had been looking for me everywhere.

I knew that wasn’t true, even then, because I always could go wherever I wanted and no one ever noticed or cared. Well no one except my brother, but in this instance he was at a friends house. He was gone often, to escape the filth we lived in. I wish he were here now, but I know he is staying the night at his friends. And I certainly don’t blame him.

This man, a friend of my mothers, threw me in my room and told me to pull my bottoms down because he was going to teach me a lesson when he got back. He slammed the door and didn’t return. I waited like I was told, but I pulled my bottoms back up and went to open the door. It won’t open. I pulled and pulled and it didn’t budge.

I went and sat on my bed to wait for someone to open my door, but no one came and now it was dark, no light except for what shown under the door. I tried to open it again but I couldn’t so I yelled out, and said I really needed to pee. The man’s voice from the other room told me to shut up, I was in trouble and not allowed out. I climbed up on the bunk bed that my brother and I share, and I cried and cried. Afraid of the dark, alone, not understanding what I had done wrong, I curled up under a blanket and fell asleep.

I woke up to my brother calling to me from the crack under the door. “Sissy??” He whispered, worry in his voice.

I jumped off the bed and crawled to the door.

“What happened? Are you ok?”

“I need to potty….and I’m hungry.” I said in tears

I heard the door knob turn and I saw my brothers face for a moment but the man in the other room with our mother yelled at my brother.

“Did I tell you to open that door?! She isn’t allowed out until she learns her lesson!”

The door shut, I could hear my brother hold back tears as he said “I’m sorry…”

“Get away from the door!” Yelled the man.

I don’t know how much time passed while I was stuck in that dark room. But I know I held in the urge to pee until I couldn’t anymore… I tried to cover it up, knowing that I’d be in trouble if anyone saw.

My brother stayed by my door, slipping pieces of bread through the crack underneath. He hid in the doorway of the room adjacent so he wouldn’t be seen.

I don’t know how much time had passed…

But there was a moment when other people came over and were sitting in the common room, my brother opened my door and I snuck out. It seemed as though no one even remembered that I was gone. Out of sight, out of mind. And I was always out of sight. I spent most of my days hiding behind the furniture or running outside. I was just one of the neighborhood dogs, and I acted like it.

This book is pieces of my life, my past, and the events that made me who I am today. I will be using different names, places and also a different setting/time period/universe, to tell my story. There will be possibly triggering events, but, this is life, and this was my life.

Please tell me your thoughts!

~A