We have all experienced pain at some point in life. Whether it was small like getting a paper cut (absolutely horrible, I can’t be alone in thinking that!) or something big like childbirth, and even heartbreak. It’s all pain, and we have all felt it’s grasp, but today I want to tell you about my struggles with chronic pain. And unfortunately I will need to break this post into two or three because talking about my body pains and my migraines (though connected) have stories of their own.
It all started when I was a kid. You know at school when they have nurses come in and they check your spine? Well I don’t know if they do that still, but they used to. Anyway I was told once that I may have scoliosis, then I had someone else tell me that I was just fine. I never got checked again after that, so as far as anyone knew, I didn’t have anything wrong with my spine. Well as the years went by and I got older, I did sports. I played soccer for 8 years (rolled my ankles so much that I started to not notice when I had rolled or sprained them), I tried volleyball, basketball, softball even. But eventually I found what I loved most, running.
I ran cross country all through high school and I loved it, I had great friends that ran and I had an absolutely amazing coach. So I ran cross country during the fall and then during the spring I started to do track (which I did not enjoy) but it kept me in shape in the off season and I had some of the same friends and part of the time, the same coach.
My first year of running though, my hip flexors kept getting pulled. (Very painful) but I kept on because I am very stubborn and wanted to prove that I could do it. And I did. I struggled so much that first year but I got a lot easier pretty quickly. But the pains started to get worse in some places. And more specifically, my right hip. I didn’t say much for a long time, about a year or two, until the pain I was in was physically noticeable. I limped, bad, and would be on the edge of tears after running, and after awhile, all the time. I could hardly walk, or sit, or stand. My friends told me to take it easy but I didn’t want to, I had hoped it would just go away. I couldn’t have been more wrong. And around this time, I started to have migraines, rib discomfort, lower back pain, and on top of it all I get really intense crippling menstrual cramps.
I have two specific injuries that are entire posts in themselves that I will delve into another day as well, but let’s just say I have had my fair share of injuries and mostly muscular/skeletal and joint issues. But for now I’ll just skip around and say I eventually had hip surgery in 2017.
But that’s a story for another time as well. (stay tuned!)
I have gone to physical therapy for a combined total of about 3 years, I’ve seen multiple chiropractors, massage therapists, and doctors. And no one could tell me why I was in so much pain all the time. Blood tests came back fine, (vitamin D deficient, but who isn’t in eastern Oregon) but no issues like rheumatoid, or MS. On paper, I’m perfectly fine and healthy. But let me tell you, I don’t feel like I am. I have had a constant headache, and I mean constant, for over 7 years. I had brain imaging even, and nothing. Why can no one tell me why I hurt? Why do I feel weak and exhausted? Some days are better than others, and some days are worse. Eventually a doctor gave in and scheduled a spine X-ray to check my neck, because did I mention my neck hurts all the time? Well lo-and behold, I have scoliosis! But there’s more, not only do I have scoliosis in my upper back, I have a curve on my lower back as well, but that portion is just one degree short of being considered scoliosis. Back to physical therapy I went, and I was put on multiple muscle relaxers, which definitely helped. I even had steroid injections in my upper back… that wasn’t supposed to hurt but the numbing didn’t work on me well enough, and to no surprise, neither did the steroids. But then baby #2 was on the way, so I stopped taking medications for muscles and migraines.
But after all this, I still have had no relief, and no real answers. Sure I have one diagnosis, but… what good did that do for me? I still hurt. I thought knowing something would help me be able to fix myself, but that’s not the case. I still take too much Tylenol, and spend too much time being in too much pain to do anything. And what no one tells you is that chronic pain that lasts more than a year, (mind you I’m at about 7 years) causes mental changes, it alters the way your brain functions, it causes anxiety and panic attacks out of nowhere. And not to mention how difficult some days are when you are trying to take care of your young children and you feel like you’ve been hit by a freight train.
But having my babies gives me so much more will to keep going, they are the reasons I crawl out of bed, and the reason I don’t just sit and melt into my couch. They give me life when I feel at my lowest, they make me smile when I thought I couldn’t be happy. Family is my medicine, and their love is the best medication I’ve had.
Now I’m still trying my best to figure things out, between the nerve pain, the muscle tightness, and massive head pain, I am striving to do my best, and will figure this out. I won’t give up, I’m too stubborn for that, and I have too much to live for.
To anyone out there with pain, I feel you. You’re not alone, and against all odds, we can be happy, you just need to allow the happiness some room amidst the struggle.
~A
Ink & Embers 