So I have decided to start a blog. Now, I am aware that I will not be everyone’s cup of tea, or coffee, but I wanted a space where I can share myself and my stories, accomplishments and failures, to maybe help normalize or give advice on topics I find interesting. I had thought about doing it for a while now (a few years in fact) and here I am, newly a mother of two and sitting here wondering how I should tell my boss that I won’t be returning from maternity leave… And I am beyond ecstatic to have the opportunity to be at home with my children! What mother wouldn’t, right?
The more I ponder the thought though, the more guilty I seem to feel.
“They will be mad at me”
“There won’t be enough help”
But then I stop, why should I feel guilty saying goodbye to a job that never really appreciated my work and dedication?! They already have hired multiple people to do my jobs and I know I am no longer needed, and that suits me fine.
I sit here watching my 2 1/2 month old daughter wave her little arms about, kicking and smiling up at me, as my 3 year old son relaxes after a morning at school and I could not feel any more at peace. The worry of leaving work subsides and I know I’m making the right decision. My children will always come first, and my sanity!
Now I know that it’s not always an option for mamas to stay home, I know that all too well. I wasn’t able to stay home after my son was born. I lived in an attic in the next town over from where I worked, and my boyfriend (now fiancé) didn’t live with us and worked as a ranch hand. Money was very tight for me after I wasted thousands of dollars trying to figure out why my hip hurt so badly I could hardly walk.
I got pregnant a year after surgery and I had quite literally ran out of money. So not going back to work? Not an option. Only able to work part time and making minimum wage to boot had made saving money almost impossible. I would take my son to my moms when I went to work in the evenings, work 5 hours and then drive the 15 miles it took to get us home for the night, or what was left of the night, just to go to bed for a few hours at a time (feedings and exclusively pumping breast milk takes a lot of time out of your sleep) just to wake up exhausted and dreading work.
Needless to say I cried, a lot. I cried because I needed sleep, I cried because I had to leave my baby to go to work and make only just enough to scrape by. What kind of life is it if you cry every day? Then when I thought I was finally on the up and up, my boyfriend was having medical issues.
The full story on that will be for another post. But long story short, he had cancer and was told he needed emergency surgery. Now that all happened the day that we were moving (and I mean literally in the midst of moving) to our new house closer to our jobs. But my boyfriend could no longer work. In fact within a matter of days he was unable to walk.
He remembers nothing of us moving, and doesn’t even remember the first week or so of us living here, that’s how much pain he was in. Cancer… I thought I was going to lose him for sure. But thankfully he pulled through, and for the next 2 1/2 years I had a built in “babysitter” for our son, who better than a parent to take care of your child.
There were a lot of ups and downs, I’d say a lot more downs than ups, my son cries every time I leave the house even still, and my heart breaks they whole time I’m away, because all I see in my mind is his poor face looking at me as though he won’t see me again. And in his mind I’m sure that’s exactly what he thinks.
I tell you this story because I want you to know that, while, yes I am privileged to have this opportunity to be a stay at home mom, I do know what it’s like to struggle, I do know that it isn’t possible, and maybe you’re reading this wishing that you too could stay at home with your babies. And to you, I say this: You are a wonderful mother, you ARE doing your best, your children love you, and some day you will have the happiness that you wish you had right now. Life is not always fair, and being pessimistic makes life seem even less fair. So look for joy around you, and embrace it in whatever form it may take.
Time is fleeting, so find happiness in as many moments as you can and I promise you, your quality of life will be better, and better things will come your way. Keep your eyes on the ones you love, keep your heart full, and keep striving for happiness even in the darkest of times.
Ink & Embers 